Random songs:
1) MGMT- Time to Pretend... Well, I'm sure you guys have heard of MGMT. I hope to dear god you have. Kids, Electric Feel? Yeah. You've probably heard of Time to Pretend too. Good song.
2) Imogen Heap- Goodnight & Go.... I love her. Her voice is stunning... It's kind of creepy, but so beautiful. It puts you in a trance. This is one of my favorite songs by her, off of her CD Speak for Yourself. I also love Hide & Seek, Speeding Cars, Headlock, and more... She's phenomenal.
3) Amy Winehouse- You Know I'm No Good... Alright, I'm not really a huge fan of the Winester. In fact, I'm not a fan at all. However, I absolutely love this song. Always have.
4) Lily Allen-The Fear.... Ironic. She's Amy Winehouse's arch nemesis. I definitely like her more than Amy. This song is one of my all-time faves.
5) Green Day- Whatsername... I LOVE Green Day. Probably my all-time favorite band, and this is one of my all-time favorite songs.
6) Eminem- Without Me... Okay, I'm not a big fan of rap. Eminem is the only exception. He raps about things other than drugs, cars, money, and profanities. He's kind of a lyrical genius. I think of him as more of a poet than a rapper, and I love it.
7) Florence + The Machine- Dog Days are Over... LOVE HER. She is probably one of my favorite artists right now. She reminds me of Imogen Heap in that her voice is also hauntingly beautiful.
8) Basshunter- DotA... Alright, this is a little bit ridiculous. I understand. But I'm into techno. Especially the foreign type. Just makes me want to dance!!!!
Alright, there you go. Now you can listen to music like the DYLAN. Remember, stalkers, update your journals! Hot new info!
So, yeah. I've been hard at work on my novel over the past week. I'm really jumping back into it. I'm so excited to finish it and give you guys some sneak peeks! I've also been tirelessly getting into art and poetry again as well. Getting my culture fix, you could say. For the supplementary anti-culture fix, I have been watching TV's premiere week... I'm talking House, Glee, Grey's Anatomy, Medium, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters. I've been busy!
The only things I haven't been doing are blogging and sleeping. Oh, how I long for a catnap... I literally fell asleep during Human Ecology today. It was... embarrassing. Then, in French, I had to write something on the board in CHALK. If you know me, you know what this means. Looking at chalk makes me cringe. Touching it nearly gives me a panic attack. Let's just say that I was on the verge of tears by the time I returned to my seat.
This week is a big one! It's Spirit Week at school, which is kind of a big deal I guess. Today was comfy clothes day. I wore jeans and a sweater. That was pretty darn comfy, for me. I just don'tdo comfy. Tomorrow is Decades Day. I will be better at that, for sure. Friday is a pep rally, but I have a funeral to go to. What a trade off, LOL! Then, Saturday is Homecoming, for which I am very excited!
In other news, I am maintaining an incredible average in all of my classes. I'm talking 99, 100, 105. I'm excited. It's starting to look like my college dreams might really come true, if I keep at it! Now that I'm in high school, everything is starting to seem real. It's like, now, I'm one step closer. Everything is within reach, and all I have to do it extend my arms and grab it. It's exciting... It feels like I could walk out the front door right now and step into adulthood. Though I'm only a Freshman, I feel way older.
I've been pushed a lot through the years. My parents have pushed me, my peers have pushed me, my teachers have pushed me. People are always making me out to be some kind of genius, and I'm really not. There are tons of people at our school that are as smart as I am, if not smarter. The truth is, I'm not intelligent. I'm a Polaroid. I don't have to think to do what I do... I just do it. I don't really know how to explain it. Everything just comes on its own- the facts, the information. I absorb it, remember it. So, it doesn't seem like I'm smart because it's just natural. It feels like I'm normal. And it drives me crazy that people don't see that. I didn't ask for any of it. I don't want the recognition. I don't want people to look at me like I know the answer, because I'm not perfect. I don't always know the answer, and when I do, it's not because I want to.
The worst part is that people think I'm some kind of know-it-all. They perceive me as someone who spends hour upon hour reading and studying. They think I sit there and learn all of this stuff, just to be better than everyone else. I don't want to be better. I think, in the end, this really did start to effect me. I started, above all, pushing myself. I started to become the person people thought I was. And then it got really hard, because I wanted to be perfect. If I made a mistake, I would shut down like I was some kind of monster. Anything short of perfection was unacceptable. When I saw 99% percent on a paper, I would actually get disappointed.
One day, I sat myself down. Who had I become? This person in the mirror wasn't me. I was sick.
So, I stopped.
I stopped everything.
Today, this is the biggest struggle I face. I still feel the urge to be perfect. I still want to be the smartest, the best. I never will be. But people still expect it from me. They still push me to be better, when I am already the best I can be. And it physically hurts me, every time someone looks at me for an answer, as if I should know. I don't want anything expected of me. I want to be free.
As I said, I didn't ask for this. I would honestly much rather be an average 14-year-old girl. I would rather play sports, hang out with friends, go to the movies. I would rather have a B average and parents who appreciated that. I would rather be the person asking for the answers, and not the one giving them. I would rather that a person sits next to me because they like me, and not because they want to take my answers.
I guess it'll never happen. I'll never be normal, in that way. My memory will never stop, my mind will never stop. Is it the person I'm meant to be, or is it a curse? Only time will tell, I suppose.
I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to accept myself. I'm trying to make sense of the fact that I will never be normal, but I will never be perfect either.The only thing that I can ever be is me. And, in my opinion, I'm pretty good at that.
Alright, apologies for going deep again.
<3>
xx Curiosity Kills
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